I am 11 years old. It’s summer break. I am taking a shower. The soap makes everything slippery. My dick glides against the side of my thigh.
Hey! What was that?
The feeling is strange, like nothing else I’ve ever experienced. It’s also pleasant, very pleasant. So I repeat the same motion.
Wow! This feels really good!
I continue. After a few minutes, there is another strange sensation.
What. Is. Happening. To. My. Testicles?
They hurt. They hurt really bad.
Is something bad going to happen to me? How am I going to explain this?
At the same time as the pain, I feel my nuts pulsating. Seconds later, there is a grayish white fluid emanating from the tip of my dick.
What. Is. THAT?
I wonder if it’s sperm, the white liquid they told me about at school. I wonder if what’s just happened to me was normal. I wonder if I’m going to need to be hospitalized. I wonder if I’ve ruined something on my body by recklessly repeating that move over and over again. I wonder if I should ask my mom.
I wonder if I should ask my dad. He has a dick. He’ll probably know.
I wonder if this is supposed to impact the way I do my ablutions before my prayers. I want to ask someone. But who?
Will they know what I have done?
I can’t take the risk. I’ll tell no one. Maybe I’ll tell my friends when I get back to school. I feel dirty. I feel guilty. I feel like I have sinned. I need to ask God for forgiveness. And so I pray, with the ferocious devotion that only a child can muster, I pray.
I have sinned. I have pleasured myself. I have angered my God. I will never do it again. I swear, on everything I hold most dear.
Walahi. Walahi bilahi. I will never do this again.
I have never believed anything so fervently as I believe the fact that this was my last time.
And yet, alone again in the shower the next day, I could not help but replicate my experience of the day before. It was around this time that people started commenting that I was taking a really long time in the shower.
And so, with the same regularity with which one day followed another, prayer followed guilt, and guilt followed pleasure, and pleasure followed prayer, and prayer followed the descent of the inexorable guilt and shame and disgust upon me every time I pleasured myself.